Shyness is a periodic state of the psyche caused by a combination of external factors and internal sense of self, manifested by behavioral reactions and is characteristic of both humans and animals. Shyness includes a whole set of traits that together form this character trait. These include tension, timidity, insecurity against the background of a lack of social and communication skills, a certain degree of awkwardness in social interaction.
The reasons for shyness always lie in the desire to hide his true identity because of the fear of interaction, so a person is quite accurate in his statements and manifestations. Because of this style of behavior, shyness is often mistaken for inner modesty, refinement, restraint, secular manners, but at the same time it is not an external reflection of the presence of these qualities, it is only a mask that looks like this.
There are several categories of manifestation of shyness: external (when a person is afraid to appear in society, attaches overvalued importance to public opinion, subordinates his own thoughts and actions to the assessments of others and is afraid of their condemnation) and internal (when a person is shy of himself in front of himself, the reasons for which are too strong a sense of shame , reduced self-esteem , lack of adequate self-perception and skills to cope with psychological problems).
Shyness is formed in the course of personality development at the earliest stages. Examples of parents and copying of a model of interaction with the world and reactions to it can serve this. Another point shaping these reactions is the process of socialization , which was traumatic or impoverished, which served as a lack of the formation of the necessary social skills.
In addition to external, there are internal causes of shyness. Psychological factors include serious intrapersonal conflict that occurs at subconscious levels. An internal emotional storm arises, often caused by conflicting reactions or desires, which are suppressed or the whole conflict is suppressed. At the same time, a person consciously chooses to follow the rules of society, which drown out his own needs - the level of tension is growing, it is more and more difficult to find contact with society. The shyness caused by such experiences is comparable to a sealed steam boiler, which explodes after a certain pressure mark. Moreover, a person is unlikely to be perceived as shy, and it will shock others.
Shyness is also caused by a violation of the exchange of neurotransmitters in the brain and is a symptom of some psychological pathologies. This condition is associated with weakness of the nervous system, hyperthymic accentuations of personality. When shyness is due to physiological parameters, medication is usually required. With a constantly expressed condition, and not situational shyness, psychotherapy is recommended.
What is shyness
Shyness is often seen as a convenient and positive quality on the part of managing social structures. For example, at school, it will be more convenient for a teacher to manipulate the behavior of a shy child than a self-confident tomboy. Exactly the same picture occurs at work and even in periodic friendly communication. But this quality is beneficial and useful only for those around who are looking for their own benefit in contact, for a person shyness is a direct road to artificially lowered self-esteem, increased anxiety and depressive state. That is why caring parents are looking for ways to overcome the shyness of the child, and not how best to use it.
Shyness is not an innate quality, all children from birth loudly declare themselves, sincerely show their desires and emotions .
Shyness is not a basic state, but refers to the number of social emotions and, accordingly, develops at the age when social interaction mechanisms are mastered (usually this happens between the ages of three and seven). On the one hand, the behavior of parents and the style of upbringing have an important influence: the more the child is pulled, they point out shortcomings, they criticize the initiative taken, the more likely shyness will be formed. With this approach, outwardly oriented shyness is formed when a person is ashamed of himself, his actions and thoughts in front of others.
In addition to the direct influence of the external, parents exert their own example when the child learns not from what he was told, but from what he sees. If parents lead a closed lifestyle, they are shy during social contacts, then the child develops an internal position aimed at masking himself. In this context, we can talk about the inner orientation of shyness, shame in front of ourselves for ourselves.
Both options lead to inability to build social contacts, which is why relations with peers deteriorate and shyness is aggravated. It turns out a vicious circle where, in order to overcome shyness, you need to show confidence, for which you need to overcome shyness.
But also many children master this social mechanism, as well as many others from the standpoint of their own benefit. The more positive changes in the behavior of significant adults the child will receive, being shy, the more this personality quality will be fixed in its structure. Adult manipulation is the only way a child can influence the world, since direct confrontation is not yet available to him. If hesitating to take a candy, the baby receives two, then the next time several times he will refuse, not out of courtesy, but in order to get more, moreover, so that adults consider this their own decision. In many cases, the justification of shyness by low self-esteem does not stand up to any criticism, since this line of behavior is largely regulated and if a person ceases to receive profit, the way of interaction changes.
The position of the victim, the unfortunate person, the belittling of one's own abilities always gives a profit - they will regret such a person, do the work for him, give the most delicious piece. They will not make big demands or give disproportionately large rewards for small efforts.
Accordingly, before deciding to get rid of shyness or to fight this quality with others, it is necessary to find out the formation of such a position. In cases of biological validity, a person will need support and assistance, and in the case of manipulative behavior, on the contrary, delivery of full responsibility and categorical communication style.
How to get rid of shyness
If shyness is justified by psychological moments, then the first way to solve this problem is to realize its presence and its own influence on the emergence and development of this situation.
Shyness is a character trait that is not something unchanging and constant, like temperament and strength of the nervous system - it is a special response model, a habit that has become comfortable, a certain style of thinking. In the same way that a person reinforces the development of a way of reacting, he can reduce its impact. To reduce the number of such manifestations, you will have to remember at what point the decision was made on the benefits of this response method. Most likely it was a justified situation in childhood, when only such a reaction could be successful, but now the personality has become more mature and the situations are different, accordingly new ways are needed.
How to get rid of shyness? To understand what is happening to you at the time of embarrassment, you need to listen very carefully to yourself. To note what other feelings arise at this moment, what happens to the physical sensation (tension or tremors may appear), how quickly this feeling develops and in what situations. Perhaps with this detailed analysis you will have childhood memories of some situations, people, phrases, characteristics in your direction. All this must be noted in order to be able to change it later.
Further, in order to change one's own reactions, it is necessary to change at least one of the components of a familiar reaction. That is, if in a familiar situation, when you start to feel shy, your breathing quickens, you can breathe with conscious effort as slowly and deeply as possible. If an unpleasant feeling appears in the chest area, then you can mentally move it to your hands and shake it off. When critical voices pop up in your memory , imagine what was said in cartoony voices. The more moments you can consciously change, the more excellent your final reaction will be.
In addition to working in an immediate situation, it is necessary to work with internal beliefs regarding self-perception and inner perception of the situation. This works even with questions on how to overcome a child’s shyness.
You can increase your self-esteem with sports and a change of image, you can sign up in a studio of like-minded people or ask experts to highlight your strengths and attractive features. The more you develop, both physically and morally, the higher your positive self-perception. It is also important what kind of people you surround yourself with: the fewer reproaching and degrading personalities, the less reason you have to constantly bend your head in embarrassment.
You can search in your coordinates for the image of a person or a hero whom you would like to line up with. On the one hand, this will help to develop achievement tactics and learn what this person can do. On the other hand, it is useful to analyze where you got this reference image from and check how much it is yours, since often external ideals inspire us in childhood, and they have nothing to do with the personality that we have at the moment.
When the example is really chosen by you and corresponds to the actual value and semantic system, try to live a day like this person. You do not need much, just play a role, try on an image and feel what it is like in that role. You may feel that in your former life you were more comfortable, and perhaps you will feel how easy it is to show confidence and express yourself.
Get ready for change to take a long time. It is impossible to be shy for twenty years, and after one exercise to show super-leadership qualities. It will be a painstaking daily work, not only directly with feelings at the moment of constraint, but also with a global experience of life and yourself in it.
How to overcome shyness and self-doubt
When shyness is closely connected with uncertainty, then you will have to act in the direction of both problems. Before you go on a huge stage to work out your own confidence, you need to feel comfortable next to your loved ones. To do this, start to please them, make pleasant surprises, and without looking for an occasion for this. The desire to improve the lives of others is an excellent occasion to establish contact, and the positive feedback you receive will certainly raise your mood and self-confidence.
Go in for sports and physical activity. This will not only improve well-being through the production of endorphins, but also improve the appearance and the part of the confidence that is associated with it. Discover new things not only in the field of your physical capabilities, but also in social contacts, look for your people who will be comfortable and pleasant. There are many opportunities for this even in a small town - and it is better to have ten virtual friends who understand, appreciate and support than thirty who are physically close, but constantly humiliating.
Set yourself big goals and make plans - this is an important part of developing confidence and suppressing shyness. Remember that each goal should have its own implementation plan and deadlines. It is important that for any purpose or assessment of your actions you begin to focus only on your own desires and judgments. What others say is not always true, much criticism is justified by envy , and the depreciation of your plans, goals, dreams by limited perception . Only the level of self-satisfaction should be the key to understanding whether you are moving in that direction.
Record your successes with the help of received letters or photos, really made things. Even if your goal was to improve your own health, then this can be noted by changes in the indicators of the examination, improving physical fitness with photographs before classes and after a month of training. This applies not only to achievements in the field of development, but also in social contacts - take photos with new friends, celebrate a month of friendship with an interesting person. The more you can observe the results of your success, the more motivation will be for further movement forward. If this is not done, then due to the peculiarities of perception, over time, the good is erased, and the negative aspects remain in memory and you may get the feeling that life does not change.
Take some time to remove muscle blocks with massage, exercise, or body-oriented therapy. This is a very important point, since any shyness is associated with control, which also blocks the body and leaves tension in the muscles. The more relaxed the body becomes, the easier it will become to interact with the world, to manifest itself more freely as individuals.